Dear Kardashian Reality Show Producer,
I heard of the great tragedy of your lead character going through a very painful divorce. I understand the family’s need for privacy. Kim and her sisters will need a leave of absence to heal and recover. Of course this leaves you with the great challenge to fill an open slot on your prime time schedule.
I’ve been thinking it over and even though I am fairly busy I am willing to make the sacrifice and step in. The problem is of course that my life is almost entirely drama free (I had a few branches fall of my tree last week and the landed pretty hard in my backyard. I also had a pretty rough Halloween weekend. This time of the year always brings up memories of The Wizard of Oz which is the scariest movie EVER).
But not all is lost: I could re-enact some scenes from my divorce that should satisfy the needs of your audience. I also have some Facebook friends that are total drama queens (male and female) and I am sure they are willing to step up to the plate when they are called to duty. One bad episode of Jersey Shore and they are having a melt-down, I swear. I might even be able to drum up 5 friends from my past live that will vouch for me being mental.
As for your core demographic: I am 45 but that doesn’t really matter. I can easily pass for 44 1/2. Most teenagers will say that I am totally lame. But we all know that they always say the opposite of what they really mean.
Since time is of the essence we should discuss the financial piece as well. I am willing to settle for $5 million per show. I am not looking to make any profit from this but of course I have a certain lifestyle to maintain and a rep to protect. My fee goes up to 10 million for each episode that would involved a marriage or divorce of mine. That will not include the rights to the wedding pics. I am already in direct talks with The Onion since they’d want to cover the event.
No matter how high your ratings will soar: This is only temporary. Once Kim is ready to get back on the air the slot is hers again.
As you can see, I am really easy to work with. You can leave a comment on this blog with your phone number and my agent will contact you.
Let’s get this over with. The sooner we get started the sooner I can have my life back.
On another note:
I noticed that Kim Kardashian is back on Match. Her status is listed as “separated”. That a big no-go for me. I am sure 99.9% of all other men think the same. Hopefully her “situation” gets resolved soon and her mailbox will fill up again. She seems to be a real sweetheart. Hopefully she won’t stay alone forever.
I need to talk to Perez now. He is a little emotional this week and he needs my shoulder.