When my ex-wife disclosed to me that she wanted a divorce I was present in the conversation but it took me quite a while to grasp of what is happening. Divorce wasn’t part of my life playbook. I was taken totally off guard. I tried to protect my inner self with (self) denial and false hopes.
The first thing that changed for me was that I lost my ability to analyze, think straight, make decisions and stick with it. If you have been through this process before I am not telling you anything you don’t know.
I experienced the power of my subconscious battling my conscious – pulling me in many different directions over the course of one day. Add some self pity, guilt, anger, fear into the brew and stir it well. I could not believe how irrational I had become. I learned how little control I have about many aspects of my life. I would have provided a field day for any Jungian analyst.
I went back and forth from enjoying the presumed benefits of my new single status to being very depressed due to the tremendous loss in my life numerous times each day.
Our original plan to continue to live together in the same home and co-parent our daughter fell through. We tried hard. But it was simply too challenging to untangle our lives right in front of each other. I felt like an invisible rubber band tied around my waist was constantly holding me back when I tried to move on. On the positive side we managed all the “technical” aspects of our divorce in a peaceful manner.
My fear of loosing my marital relationship prevented me from taking an honest inventory. There was too much at stake.